


Girl-Fight on Helicon

by lnhammer



Series: Greek Myth Sex Farces [4]
Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Metamorphoses - Ovid
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cheerleaders, Choral Poetry, Frat Parties, Gen, Metamorphoses, Poetry, Rhyme Royal Stanzas, Sex Farce, This Place Is For The Birds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lnhammer/pseuds/lnhammer
Summary: A rhyming rumble in the gym. At stake:The Cheerleading Championship of all Greece.Pieria Academy had come to takeThe challengers on their home court down a piece.Not Atalanta’s balls, not Golden Fleece,Not wife-swapping in Troy would beat this brawl.’Twas almost bigger than school basketball.Or, the elite nymphs from Pieria Academy aren’t underestimating the upstarts of Helicon Community College, are they? Nahhh.
Relationships: Muses & Pierides (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore)
Series: Greek Myth Sex Farces [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097087





	Girl-Fight on Helicon

A rhyming rumble in the gym. At stake:  
The Cheerleading Championship of all Greece.  
Pieria Academy had come to take  
The challengers on their home court down a piece.  
Not Atalanta’s balls, not Golden Fleece,  
Not wife-swapping in Troy would beat this brawl.  
’Twas almost bigger than school basketball.

Though Helicon College had done well that year,  
We, the Pierides, were picked to win again.  
We had the talent, looks, support, and gear—  
For our Academy, just across the plain  
From Mount Olympus, could afford to train  
With godlike pros, producing a collection  
Of nymphs polished and coached to cheer perfection.

Not that Helicon was mortal, quite—  
They still were nymphs—but it was public: grinds,  
Wannagods, party frats. The school was right  
For some, I’m sure, but still, you know those kinds—  
They practically are practical, with minds  
Rendered uncultured by Boeotian snoozes.  
Besides, what kind of college calls its team “the Muses”?

Knowing that we were best, we gladly came  
For any place away from home is good  
For raucous parties. But—alas!—our fame  
Postceded us: to cage our maidenhood  
A hundred watching eyes came with. Not good.  
We had to slip this Argus chaperonage—  
His Hera’d views on nymphs were from the Stone Age—

But how? Descending from the bus we learned:  
Three host students showed us our dorms—and ways  
Out back. While two, bold nereids who burned  
To hold a god, distracted guardian gaze  
And blinded Argus with their salt sea-sprays,  
We flitted off to find out what delights  
This Helicon could offer Friday nights.

Our one remaining hostess helped here too:  
Erato, as a local navigator,  
Then steered us, after captain Strouthis, through  
Frat jungles to the best: a house where satyrs  
From ’cross the Gulf pledged unmixed wine in kraters.  
One look, we all knew where a party mama  
Must come tonight: to Gamma Phi Digamma.

Our confirmation: Erato’s friends. Tall Kallie,  
Wild Mel, and Thalia with flowered hair  
All partied well—a faun hung fit to dally  
Upon each arm—but were courteous and fair:  
Each girl was willing to loan out a spare.  
Soon all Pierides were nicely boyed  
Down—but for Akanthis alone, annoyed.

This saved her. Strouthis, with the proposition  
That flirting with the boys at home-team distance  
Would make an extra, spicy competition,  
Didn’t reckon with goaty male persistence  
Nor frat-house swill’s effect on nymph resistance.  
Result: girls straggled back to dorm-rooms frightened  
Of guards who catch us late and tangle-chitoned.

At dawn’s fag-end, we’d all returned except  
For Strouthis. Argus ranted—no availing.  
Coach took a chance with—me—Dracontis, kept  
In second string in case of scratched or ailing  
Cheerleaders—though I’d never (none were failing)  
Competed yet. As captain? Me? How droll.  
No, her lieutenant Kerchnis took that role.

With cheer-time only several hours later,  
No time for blames or fighting—no, instead  
We prepped: each ribboning curled locks as plaiter  
Of others, all alike with hands of lead  
(For some, because hung-over; me, pure dread),  
And uniformed ourselves, a matching set.  
Result: best champion appearance yet.

Then stumble to the gym to exercise  
The routine (and excessive) stiffness out.  
An audience—so what if they were spies?—  
Watched warm-up; and locals chatted once that bout  
Was done. Nice girls: one told a joke about  
Apollo, seven dryads, and a sheep,  
In which he—as a she—pretending—tried to creep—

Oh, just forget it. You had to see her wriggles  
And funny faces while she spoke, transforming  
The tale—just watching gave me heaving giggles.  
But I had cause to feel good, performing  
For both my teammates and the locals swarming  
About with no mistakes—my first chance to fail,  
I’d felt as nervous as a nesting quail.

After our coach’s speech and quick group hug,  
We flew to the amphitheater of competition  
To meet the Muses. Some of us were smug:  
“White peplos!” “Ponytails!” and such derision.  
But others paled: among the opposition  
Demurely stood our last night’s guides. Perhaps—  
A hope—they too were hurting from their lapse.

Visitors first. We knew our cheer was best—  
Divinely written, set, and choreographed—  
Premier stuff. True, we’d some too stiff for zest,  
And once the jokester, in the Muses—daft—  
Made a sheep’s face at me—and I laughed,  
Breaking formation early. So I blew it.  
But otherwise we nailed it—and we knew it.

’Twas up to Helicon. So: They were good  
Performers—better than boondock usual.  
But call that _real_ cheerleading? No one could!  
Not tumbling—dancing. Songs—not chants—and all  
In hick hexameters. And then—what gall!—  
Praised their home team as if they were victorious  
Already, making highfalutin and laborious

Comparisons with heroes past, complete  
With bald Olympic sucking up—a set-  
Piece choral call/response ( _so_ elite),  
Danced with more range, more grace (where did they get  
Those moves?) than acrobatics had. And yet—  
It worked. Despite their retrospective spate,  
They roused the roaring wish to emulate.

A tense wait for the scores to settle, thus:  
Our technical merit trumped by artistry.  
Of _that?!_ Our blank stun hatched protesting fuss:  
Their genre (it’s not the right one, legally),  
That song (it sucked eggs), our egregiously  
Low mark from the Spartan judge (a bribe, it’s clear).  
But all we got was Captain Klio’s sneer.

When Kerchnis saw this, she threw a hussy-fit,  
And with Kolymbus diving in, attacked  
That smirk. More Muses, showing surprising grit,  
Defended. Pissed, we flocked in fight and backed  
Our own with slap for scratch—which taught this fact:  
In prep-school fights, you sometimes can just bluff her;  
These girls across Achaea’s tracks were tougher.

Hellions fought with spunk and dirty tricks:  
Not only kicked, but tripped—and clawed—and spanked.  
They stomped us. Badly. In the melee’s mix  
I swung at Poly, but Eurterpe yanked  
My hair. Retreat—to find myself outflanked  
By pinching Terpsi and Erato too.  
Wherever one went, it seemed that there were two.

Beaten Kissa flew from Urania  
A magpie. Good thought—why should scared nymphs stay  
When we can transform? Swift diaspora:  
Pipo and Chloris took the feathered way—  
Nessa—others—all in disarray—  
Leaving the braver girls outnumbered by  
Rough Muses in a constant nine supply.

I was the last, till Need taught how and heft  
Of fledging fingers, flapping, flying up—  
A second-stringer’s shift. The Muses, left  
Possession of the floor, captured the cup.  
They say now _they_ changed _us_ —a rude chirrup  
To that. You know the truth. With such a cheer  
They won. Go back to that? No, we’ll stay here.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this is an obscure story, rarely seen outside of book 5 of _Metamorphoses_. The names of the Pierides, absent from the source myths, are different birds in Ancient Greek.


End file.
